Chapter IV

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Now the doctors had it all their own way; and to work they went in earnest, and they gave the poor professor divers and sundry medicines, as prescribed by the ancients and moderns, from Hippocrates to Feuchtersleben, as below, viz.-

1. Hellebore, to wit -

Hellebore of AEta.
Hellebore of Galatia.
Hellebore of Sicily.

And all other Hellebores, after the method of the Helleborising Helleborists of the Helleboric era. But that would not do. Bumpsterhausen's blue follicles would not stir an inch out of his encephalo digital region.

2. Trying to find out what was the matter with him, after the method of

Hippocrates,
Aretaeus,
Celsus,
Coelius Aurelianus,
And Galen.

But they found that a great deal too much trouble, as most people have since; and so had recourse to -

3. Borage.
Cauteries.

Boring a hole in his head to let out fumes, which (says Gordonius) "will, without doubt, do much good." But it didn't.

Bezoar stone. Diamargaritum. A ram's brain boiled in spice. Oil of wormwood. Water of Nile. Capers. Good wine (but there was none to be got). The water of a smith's forge. Ambergris. Mandrake pillows. Dormouse fat. Hares' ears. Starvation. Camphor. Salts and senna. Musk. Opium. Strait-waistcoats. Bullyings. Bumpings. Bleedings. Bucketings with cold water. Knockings down. Kneeling on his chest till they broke it in, etc. etc.; after the medieval or monkish method: but that would not do. Bumpsterhausen's blue follicles stuck there still.

Then -

4. Coaxing.
Kissing.
Champagne and turtle.
Red herrings and soda water.
Good advice.
Gardening.
Croquet.
Musical soirees.
Aunt Salty.
Mild tobacco.
The Saturday Review.
A carriage with outriders, etc. etc.

After the modern method. But that would not do.

And if he had but been a convict lunatic, and had shot at the Queen, killed all his creditors to avoid paying them, or indulged in any other little amiable eccentricity of that kind, they would have given him in addition -